“Love Addiction” vs. Mature Love
March 8, 2016
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March 8, 2016

Motivation for Sex Addiction Treatment: Where Does it Come From?

A multitude of factors may go into your desire for change:  awareness of long-term negative consequences, personal well-being, social and family life, employment status, the failure of porn to provide beneficial effects despite increased dose levels (increased tolerance), confrontation with significant others, contact with successful ex-addicts, spiritual crisis, significant lifestyle change and so forth.  Unless the ground is firmly prepared and your commitment to change is solid, your efforts may lead to self-defeating experiences of failure and reluctance to recommit yourself to recovery. Sex addiction  therapy ny is where you can begin.

Motivation and commitment to change are essential elements in the recovery process. The simplest answer to the question “When do people change?” is “When they want to.”

To counteract the pull of the addiction, with it’s seemingly overwhelming cravings for a particular type of intense sexual experience, you need to know why you’re motivated to work for sex addiction treatment.

People overcome addiction when they realize that it is in their own best interest to do so.  Usually, they’ve undergone some type of process where they examined their behaviors in terms of their own values and goals.

Sex addiction therapists and sponsors can hold up a mirror so you can see discrepancies between your values and your behavior.  See into the self-defeating contradictions in yourself that often characterize human thought and behavior, Become aware of these conflicts in yourself.  You will see the discrepancies.  You may say you want an intimate relationship, but you’re engaged in an isolated, self-centered relationship to pixels on a computer screen.

What do you want to achieve in life? There are two things that make a person’s life fulfilling: connected, intimate relationships and meaningful, realistic goals.  What is a meaningful goal?  One that incorporates your core values and about which you feel passion.  The attainment of goals is important because it increases our sense of ourselves as people who “can do”.  But the real joy of living is in surrender to the process of using your skills and resources in the application of mastering the tasks and challenges along the way to the end result.  A writer called this process “flow”.  It is an experience of being totally in the moment, engaged with something that challenges you where you can experience an inner stillness in outward activity.  It is clear. It is alert.  It is full onto itself.  It is the opposite of the “Erotic Haze”.

Having a (or a series of) goals that galvanize you to become engaged with yourself, with others and with life is a TERRIFIC motivator to get and stay on the recovery track.  Active porn addiction involves large amounts of time spent engaged in non-productive, non-creative, non-engaging activities.  No matter what your goals in life are, porn addiction is NOT in the interest of achieving them.

Wasn’t it Ben Franklin who said “Don’t waste time – it’s the stuff life is made of.”?

You will see that your own life goals and enduring values can guide you, as the North Star, towards restoration, recovery, and the achievement of a satisfying and meaningful life. Most sex addicts want to achieve real connection with others and not the mere illusion of connection. They want to build the genuine self-esteem that comes from living out one’s most cherished ideals and values and from the ability to regulate their feelings and behaviors. They want to stop the lies, secrets and deceptions that keep them in a perpetual state of fear, shame and self-doubt. Luckily, these goals are attainable.

To stay motivated, you need to be consistently aware of the negative consequences of unregulated sexual behavior. Remembering the pain and suffering of being in active addiction can be a great motivator to change. AA calls it “keeping it green.”

The process of continuously doing what you’ve committed to do is itself a strong motivator. Active addiction gradually erodes your moral fiber and betrays your essential values. Knowing what makes life meaningful to you and re-committing to your essential values will be the motivational force and the foundation for the work ahead.



Dorothy Hayden, LCSW has 20 years of experience treating sex and porn addicts, love addiction, codependency, fetishes, sadomasochism, "kink friendly", crossdressers and their wives, partners of sex addicts. She has been interviewed on "HBO", "20/20" and Anderson Cooper 360. Ms. Hayden has authored the book "Total Sex Addiction Recovery - A Guide to Therapy"

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